Q: I recently discovered some texts and emails on my husbands phone and work computer to a woman with whom he works with. HE is attorney and spends long hours with this female associate partner, sometimes even going in on the weekends and asking her to come in too to assist him. The emails date back almost a year ago and some of them are even sexual in nature. It doesn’t appear that he has cheated on me–yet–but he is definitely flirting and I feel like one day soon they may cross this line.
When I confronted him about it he got mad and said “she is just a friend that I confide in and work with.” After weeks of arguing he finally admitted that he finds her attractive and easy to talk to but swears he would never cheat on me. I want desperately to believe him, but if he isn’t in love with her, why does she spend so much time away from me and devote so much time to her? Is it possible that this emotional affair (I believe this is what it is) can remain just that or will it eventually lead to more? Should I leave him now to save future heartache?
–Desperate to Keep My Man
A:
Dear Desperate,
Come sit down, let’s talk. OK, here’s the deal.
Clearly you’re invested in your marriage and that’s great, but as the saying goes it takes two to make it work, not three, not four… (although I’m sure some would beg to differ, but that’s for another day).
Throwing caution to the wind, I’ll bet that you’re a pretty intuitive person. You are a woman after all, and woman to woman? I say go by your gut. Believe me, women know when “it’s nothing” and when it could be something, no matter what the “it” is. You were tweaked enough to push the boundaries by looking at his phone and computer, which I’ll boldly assume is not your usual routine. And upon inspection you received some intuitive validation, maybe not what you wanted but at least you know you’re not crazy.
Regardless of what is or is not going on, it’s created an impasse as evidenced by the confrontation and resulting discussion you had with your husband. I say, seize this opportunity to really dig in to the meat of your relationship. Gather up a great couple’s counselor or relationship coach. Emotional affairs, although not physical in nature are still affairs. They are giant red flags at the very least, waving for attention; an expression of unmet needs. What is your husband possibly getting from this associate that he’s not getting from you or anyone else for that matter? Is he minimizing his feelings about this other person, to himself as well as to you? And why IS he spending so much time at the office?
A qualified therapist can pose such questions with ground rules for honesty and full disclosure, respecting both parties feelings and get to the core of the whats and whys. IF your husband is as invested in this marriage as much as you are, he should be willing to explore how this is affecting you and its impact upon your relationship. If he doesn’t agree to go with you? Go get some one on one yourself, and dare to ask, “Which needs of MINE aren’t being met?” Then you’ll decide whether to stay or go on your terms, not from reacting to what your husband is or isn’t doing.
The post Heart to Heart appeared first on Sound Off Woman.