Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and for the most part things are great. However, I am the first person he has had intercourse with even though he is 26. I have been sexually active for over 10 years and therefore have much more experience than he does. He is very romantic and attentive but I would like to try some more ‘colorful’ things in the bedroom. What is the best way to approach this without scaring him off?
Sincerely,
Taking it Slow
A:
Dear Taking it Slow,
You’ve been together almost a year and I wonder, how much “sex talk” you’ve had thus far? Is he aware of your 10 year head start? If he is, it wouldn’t be too farfetched to assume that he just might be expecting you to take the lead on such matters.
I understand your goal is to add some “color” to the bedroom, but I’m going to suggest that you prime the walls first before you start painting!
As a general rule, if you have good direct communication outside of the bedroom, (open, honest, respectful) it’s much easier to have similar connections in the bedroom. Sex starts in the brain, and good communication both verbal and non-verbal, with deep listening, is key here. Good communication = deeper connection= better relationship and sex.
You mention your fears of “scaring him off” and you’ve acknowledged that you like the fact that he’s romantic and attentive, so why not start there? Sharing your vulnerable side while taking the risk to ask for what you want is truly a courageous act. It sets the tone for your relationship to be built on trust, respect, and mutual support. By creating the space for safe, open and honest dialogue, all aspects of your relationship will be supported.
You might say something like, “I’m so happy with our relationship. I especially like how romantic and attentive you are with me. It inspires me to express myself more including sexually with you. I’d like us to explore things together as our relationship grows, but I’m nervous about how you feel about that?” The tone doesn’t necessarily have to be serious, it could be playful and flirty; just make sure it’s authentic. Invite him to share his feelings and perspectives about what you’ve brought up, learning how he’s most comfortable expressing himself.
The most important piece here is to start the conversation with the goal of connecting deeper and learning more about one another overall, not a “to do” list of spicy sex acts to re-enact in the days ahead. However, if such a list appears? Spin that color wheel!
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